Although FIVE. has gone on hiatus during the holidays....

I did want to share some things I'm thankful for:

• My mom....she is my bedrock, and I'm very happy about her new husband. I am happy as they make their life together... I want her to be the happiest wife, mother, friend, etc. on earth because she deserves it.
• 
  
• My work friends---they are a bunch of interesting talented people from all walks of life, who are kind, friendly, fun and creative. I don't know what I'd do without all the inappropriateness and belly laughs...lose my sanity, I think.
  
• 
  
• My posse--This group just makes me smile. People you just met who would give you the shirt off their back, they don't judge, and they can cook some damn good ribs:) This is where I can be me...up in the woods, no makeup, a shoulder to cry on if i need it, then go drink beers, play scrabble and laugh till my chest hurts. These are my true brothers and sisters....the extended family I didn't have.
  
• 
  
• My job---it has been so amazing to be able to switch from one very defined job into a "make it up as you go along" position. As well as offering flexibility for my grad program starting this fall. The trust and support are overwhelming. I hope I can make everyone proud of me.
• 
  
• My life---things are going so well...I am finding time to volunteer, and I'd like to do more of that. I spend time with people who are loving and encouraging, and I also get my precious alone time. While it would be nice to find a partner to share some of myself with, I really can't complain about the time and the fullness i have on my own.

So this is a little more reflective than my usual cynical funny tone. I can be sappy too! I just wanted to share my gratefulness for the grace and gifts I receive daily, and definitely tell everyone that I give that same love back.

It's not catchy, it doesn't have a beat...

Pop stars that I absolutely can't stand (actually that's not strong enough---pop stars that make me want to rip my ears off)

• Jessica Simpson
• Celine Dion
• Anyone from American Idol
• Miley Cyrus
• Any girl group created by P-Diddy
  

I'm good enough, smart enough and doggone it, people like me!

Because I can't entertain you ALL the time, here are some of my favorite blogs:

• BlogXXXXXX (I cringe at the name, so I'll let you discover it if you follow the link
• I Can Has Cheezburger and its canine companion I Has a Hotdog, to get your daily dose of LOLCats and LOLDogs
• Mental Floss, so I can fake being smart at parties
• Not Always Right--Like Office Space for anyone who's ever worked in customer service
• The Typing Makes Me Sound Busy...hilarious look into one person's life...that somehow makes my own seem better
  

And God said, "It is good."

Favorite church signs (as seen on Church Sign Generator--thanks Crystal!)

• God's Favorite Word is 'Come'
• Stop Drop Roll Won't Work in Hell
• Don't Let Jesus Catch You Riding Dirty
• There Cant Nobody Do Me Like Jesus
• I Feel Trapped
  

How do babies get made?

If you don't know, I'm not going to teach you. But here are some other things that you might wonder--how is it made?

• Chainsaws
• Condoms
• Hot dogs--the narration of this one is WRONG!
• Vodka
• Terducken
  

And now for the star of our show, Complete Humiliation!

OK, so these are the winners out of the millions of queries I got. Thanks, Matt. I hope you respect me in the morning.

1, Matt from Decatur writes:

Can you claim the absence of a soul on your insurance, or would they tell you to just buy some brunette Nice'n Easy?

In the absence of a state-approve soul checker, they simply close their eyes and try to get me out of their office as soon as possible.

2. Matt from Decatur also asks:
Does the carpet match the rug or are we looking at hardwood floors?

Two words: Cave pubes.
No really, the carpet doesn't match the drapes, though they're in complementary tones. No hardwood...reminds me of a little girl (ugh), plus I like my nether regions to have protection against the cold.

3. Will you ever be seen on the river again?
Well definitely I will hang out and be RP, but I will probably get back out in a kayak next summer. I just have to lose some weight, get back into my kayaking clothes, and find a boat that fits. But I will be spending a LOT of time on the Cartecay and Nanty before I be hitting the O.

4. Will you ever have sex again?
At this point, it's looking doubtful. I think I need to adopt 5 more cats and embrace being a crazy cat lady. Tools usually do a better job anyway. That way I can just be a crazy aunt to Matty, Davis and Miles...call me Auntie Mame.

5. What are you most looking forward to right now?
My ski/snowboard trip in January. I got all my gear so I am psyched. I am going to be bruised and tired from falling on my ass all day, but it's a good group, and I know it'll be a blast. Oh yeah, and I get to sleep with a gay man. Yay.











'

Splat!

Favorite Atari games

• Donkey Kong
• Pitfall
• Ms. Pacman
• Frogger
• Pong
  

It's all about me...

To switch it up a little,
what are five things you want to know about me or questions you've always wanted to ask me?

I will select the best/worst 5 and post them on friday.

Cheers!

PS-my ears are always open for new topics...keeps me from getting slack!

Why is the sky blue?

Things I've pondered over the last 24 hours

• How does an oral medication get to your pain spots?
• How much does a Prius battery cost to replace and how long do they last?
• Why no one told Beyonce that "If I were a boy" is terrible grammar?
• Why restaurant salads taste so much better than salads I make at home?
• Why Turner Field's lights are on, despite the fact that it's raining and there is no game?
  

OK, I'm a dork...

Favorite taxonomy names

• Rattus rattus (black rat)
  
• Drosophila melanogaster (fruit fly)
• Homo erectus (ancestor of man)
• Canis lupus (grey wolf)
• Panthera tigris (tiger)
  

Pigs are filthy animals...

Favorite quotes from Pulp Fiction

• Vincent: Want some bacon?
  Jules: No man, I don't eat pork.
  Vincent: Are you Jewish?
  Jules: Nah, I ain't Jewish, I just don't dig on swine, that's all.
  Vincent: Why not?
  Jules: Pigs are filthy animals. I don't eat filthy animals.
  Vincent: Bacon tastes gooood. Pork chops taste gooood.
  Jules: Hey, sewer rat may taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know 'cause I wouldn't eat the filthy motherfucker. Pigs sleep and root in shit. That's a filthy animal. I ain't eat nothin' that ain't got enough sense enough to disregard its own feces.
  Vincent: How about a dog? Dogs eats its own feces.
  Jules: I don't eat dog either.
  Vincent: Yeah, but do you consider a dog to be a filthy animal?
  Jules: I wouldn't go so far as to call a dog filthy but they're definitely dirty. But, a dog's got personality. Personality goes a long way.
  Vincent: Ah, so by that rationale, if a pig had a better personality, he would cease to be a filthy animal. Is that true?
  Jules: Well we'd have to be talkin' about one charming motherfuckin' pig. I mean he'd have to be ten times more charmin' than that Arnold on Green Acres, you know what I'm sayin'?

• Mia: Don't you hate that?
  Vincent: What?
  Mia: Uncomfortable silences. Why do we feel it's necessary to yak about bullshit in order to be comfortable?
  Vincent: I don't know. That's a good question.
  Mia: That's when you know you've found somebody special. When you can just shut the fuck up for a minute and comfortably enjoy the silence.

• Butch: I think I cracked a rib.
  Fabienne: Giving me oral pleasure?
  Butch: No, retard, from the fight.

• Captain Koons: The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any slopes gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright, so he hid it, in the one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years, he wore this watch up his ass. Then when he died of dysentery, he gave me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable piece of metal up my ass for two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you.

• Jules: I want you to go in that bag, and find my wallet.
  Pumpkin: Which one is it?
  Jules: It's the one that says Bad Motherfucker

Snap, Crackle, Pop!

Favorite kid's cereals

• Cocoa Pebbles
• Fruity Pebbles
  
• Cinnamon Toast Crunch
• Frosted Flakes
• Froot Loops
  

There's a good reason why I'm afraid of children...

These movies:

• Pet Sematary (evil kid + syringe=hell)
• Children of the Corn (I am afraid of corn mazes to this day)
  
• The Omen (It's all for you, Damien!)
  
• The Shining (red rum anyone?)
  
• The Grudge (small Japanese boy who screams like a cat?)
  

Into the great wide open/under the skies of blue...

Songs that remind me of my sabbatical road trip

• Summer in the City--Regina Spektor (driving through Arches National Park)
• Say--John Mayer (small town Cortez, CO)
• All This Beauty--The Weepies (The Grand Canyon)
• Do I Have Your Attention?-The Blood Arm feat. Anais (open road)
• Better--Regina Spektor (White Sands National Monument)
  

Is your penis really that small?

I'm not a car buff or anything, but there are certain things that I think are crimes against nature.
Things that should never be done to cars

• Putting a rack on a gorgeous sports car, like a Porsche 911
• Any sort of adhesive or magnetic lettering or images on the doors or hood
• Ground effects
• Spoilers that are half the size of the car itself
• Rims that cost more than the car itself
  

I'll tell you where Santa can stuff his jingle bells...

It's no secret that I hate traditional Christmas music. If I hear Silver Bells or effing Frosty the Snowman one more time, I might commit a felony.
Nontraditional Christmas songs that I DO like:

• All That I Want--The Weepies
• X-mas Song--Meiko
• All I Want for Christmas is You--Mariah Carey (embarrassing to admit I like)
  
• Last Christmas--Wham!
• Ave Maria--The Cranberries (ok, traditional but sung by a nontraditional artist)
  

There is a cure for the holiday blues...

Favorite Thanksgiving dishes:

• Dressing
• Sweet Potato casserole
• Macaroni and cheese casserole
• Cranberry salad
• Banana pudding
  

Five. picture of the week...

The shadow five, the ghost five, vaguely reminiscent of Thanksgiving art projects past.

I'm rubber and you're glue!

Favorite childhood insults

• Fartknocker
• Turdburglar
• Dingleberry
• Shit head
• Douchebag
  

You take the good, you take the bad...

Cheesy old TV theme songs

• Greatest American Hero
• Facts of Life
• Growing Pains
  
• Family Ties
  
• Cheers
  

Fiddle dee dee!

Juicy Southern phrases

• Well, bless his heart (shortly before ripping him to shreds verbally)
• Knee high to a pig's eye
• Colder than a well-digger's ass
• Sweating like a whore in church
• As ill as a hornet
  

Killing me softly with her song...

Music artists I found without help from my much cooler friends (and yes, I like the ladies:)

• Missy Higgins
• The Fratellis
• Meiko
• Adele
• Sara Bareilles

Thank you Cleveland!!

If I could have a dream job, it would be to think up band names...here are a few I have in my back pocket:

• Nictating Membranes
• Lycopene
• Sweet Baby Jesus
• The Stuntcocks
• Obamarama
  

Zut alors!

Favorite foreign words and phrases

• Schmetterling (German for butterfly)
• Mon petit puce (French endearment meaning, my little flea--the shape your mouth makes if you say puce correctly is hilarious)
• Stronzo (Italian for asshole, piece of shit...I like it because it sounds like something to eat:)
• Wabi-sabi (Japanese concept for the acceptance and appreciation of the beauty of imperfectons)
• Guapo (Spanish for handsome)
  

My favorite animal is a liger...

Fantasy pets (if personal safety wasn't a factor)

• Dolphin
• Polar bear
• Three-toed sloth
• Koala bear
  
• Tiger
  

I plead temporary insanity, Your Honor.

Most frustrating experiences

• Waiting in the ER with a hurt loved one
• Dealing with Atlanta traffic
• Dealing with cell phone companies
• Herding clients
• Waiting half-naked in the doctor's office
  

Five. picture of the week.....

My dad taught me five lessons about life...
and if I say them at my daycare, I'll probably get kicked out.

My arteries are hardening just thinking about it...

Favorite Southern foods of death

• Fried catfish
• Sweet potato casserole
• Fried okra
• Pecan pie
• Hushpuppies
  

Crap you might buy if it's 3am and you're buzzed

Lovely "As seen on TV" items

• The Clapper
• The Bedazzler
• Hairagami
• Salad Shooter
• BowFlex
  

Doctor, my head is killing me and I'm bleeding out of my anus...

Favorite House, M.D. diagnoses

• Cancer
• Amyloidosis
  
• Pancreatitis
• Hemochromatosis
• Something autoimmune, i.e. Lupus

Something to make me look cool

Dumb iPhone apps

• iBeer--makes your phone screen look like it's full of beer. Fratboy accoutrement.
  
• Petals--lets you track your period. Really?
  
• Fake calls--so you can pretend you have cool friends
• Pet Dog--so you can fake walk a fake dog instead of doing your job
• coloSutra--helps you match your clothing...
  

By the Power of Greyskull!

Favorite childhood cartoons:

• He-man
• Thundercats
• Transformers
• GI Joe
• Voltron
  

Ridiculous rapper names

seriously, yo?

• Flo-rida
• T-Pain
• Silkk the Shocker
• Chamillionaire
• Q-Tip

I think these expain themselves, eh?